to francis loyd

they say that there is no such thing as a mistake, just a lesson learned. because in every u-turn, in every work that needs redone, there is a lesson that needs to be learned so we don't do them again.

in your case, there was no lesson. it was simply a mistake.

i guess if there was only one regret in all this, it was the regret on how i have let this drag on this long. it was unfair.

it was a long bumpy ride that i held on to hoping it would get better all along but it didn't. it just tired me, all the hoping, but nothing really compensated on all the hurt. i got tired hoping.

i wish i could take it all back, demanding there should be some sort of remorse in all these, but the hurt just echoes back with more hurt, no sign of life to hope for.

i wish i could put all of these in writing and just walk away from all these casually, but the pain lingers on. God forgive me, but you are one case I could never get myself to forgive. i still pray for the strength to forgive but i never regret every single thing i said to you. i meant everything i said, even on the part that i said i hope you would die a slow painful death. even that would not suffice, but what are my options?

i should let this go. i know, i know.

but in the meantime, i should let this sink in. in time, i will forgive. in time.

but one thing makes sense for now. you were not worth all of it.

Today, I had lunch with a stranger.

You were not there, we were not there. I can't find us. Somewhere along the way, we wandered apart and maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe, it's meant to happen anyway, it just took a bit of a while.

They always say we should know when to hold on and when to let go. But what I wasn't told is that there comes a time when you're simply given the choice whether to continue fighting or not. It's not letting go, but simply just letting things happen with minimum effort.

I'm too tired for petty mistakes and fixing them just to realize efforts wasted in the end.

I don't want any more lunch times with a stranger. Maybe it's about time I get selfish for a change. I'd rather be alone.

i've never been a believer of new year's resolutions. surely, no one can change overnight just by the mere flip of the calendar page. but changing has to start somewhere, and it's always a good excuse.

aside from the haircut, i'm still the same old me; the same battles in the head, the same whining of the traffic, the same RATM song for the call alert tone. pretty much, nothing has changed.

but recently, i learned some heartaches die. the most precious ones die very very old; slowly but they eventually do anyway.

so this is how it feels like. finally.

happy new year to me.

you got to learn how to listen to that song without breaking down.

- from the Silver Linings Playbook

scribbles anonymous

yesterday, i saw one of my standing regrets downstairs. looking at it in the eye again made me realize how i cannot be more intelligent than the pounding sounds of the heart. more than ever, I felt fragile.

i used to think that the strongest people are those who easily let go as necessary. no, I don't mean just of people; but of fears, worries, regrets and everything that needs letting go. but then again, who can judge strength based on these ideals?

as much as I'd like to let go, i linger. the pain needs to be remembered as detailed as possible, so when I look back, moving on will make more sense. this is strength for me now; enduring.

scars breathe and never die. they're always there, like the moon that follows you home each night. then like a random thought of scars, i write these all in my head while i watch the needles sink into my skin.

there is always that one perfect thing you had to let go for the shallowest reasons. regrets, just like scars, are breathing. they're snapshots of pleasant misgivings and miscalculated chances taken.
but they live on. like blood that blots the ink.

birthday wish

so. what do i do with all these maybes?

come on, let's move on.

today I realized, that sometimes people say things only because it feels right for that moment. over time, it loses meaning until you start to wonder whether anything at all was meant.

maybe not.

emotions are but passersby in the train station waiting for the next ride. they're deceitful; they make you feel special and leave you behind hopeless and irreparable, like ice cream falling off the cone.

not everything that feels real is real, but being misled is an art.

the heart is a battleground.

don't come into my life, if you have no intention to stay.

i guess i wasn't loud enough.

maybe, maybe, maybe.

if we hope too much,
things will be different.