it all starts with betrayal. everything seems to start with that subtle feeling of betrayal; how you run out of coffee for your coffeemaker, how the weather becomes sunny all day when you decided to wear a coat on a gloomy morning, or how you notice that glaring, self-disrespecting grammar crime right after hitting the send button on a text message to your boss.
i thought for a while my greatest fear was to be left alone. there's me waiting for a cab under an unglamorous rain, and you slowly drive by with some cappuccino-colored-hair girl on the passenger seat. but the more i realize how i couldn't be that girl, the more thankful i am why it didn't work for the two of us, that in the long run, i'd rather be out in the rain than be comfortable beside you.
years go by and my fears have matured. from running out of coins for the vendo machine, to the fear of deciding on a wrong hairstyle after my hair had been cut and sticking with it for x number of months until my hair grows back. but thank goodness fears should change constantly. we grow out of our current fears and move on to better ones as we grow older.
last night, you begged for me to stay. that's one fear i never anticipated. fears are planned and foreseen, but never, never catches you off guard.
i decided this was my biggest fear. it was never entertained, always shrugged back at the back of my mind. it's that big of a fear that i feared to confront it. i know i would never bring myself to saying yes for staying, because i might actually do that, and bring a convenient end to this drama that's just building up.
as i press the button for the elevator doors to my office to close, these little stories of betrayal come back. the coffeemaker, the weather, my basic grammatical instinct. and yes, of fate too for making me move on and bringing me up close to this fear.
the world, in fact, isn't flat. we move inside this circular bubble; the faster we run, the faster the things we try to get away from come back to us. everything just sort of ironically comes back.
