slowly, i drag deeply into my cigarette and blow smoke randomly into the air. i watch as it floats around you, lingering for a while and disappears. like a happy thought that doesn't stay long.
like most of the time, you would concentrate on your iced tea/pepsi maxx/cold water. you would let your finger play with the ice cubes and let them tinkle against the glass. as always, you would ignore me.
and so, i would start ranting about how my day has been. just lately, i have always been ranting with a beer in one hand. patiently, you would sit there, occasionally responding with 'uhuh,' or 'right,' in all the right places, and wait for me until i get drunk so you could safely take me home.
how many times, exactly, have you sat there, fry? how can you possibly come back and sit at the exact same table every night when i always become worse than i was the night before?
but then again, these questions were never asked out loud. all conversations just seem to fail everytime you hold my hand and just go crazy. until last night, you asked me what exactly we were doing.
lamely, i answered i don't know. truth is, i don't want to know.
maybe, if i start wanting to know, it would take me time that you're already gone when i get back. what then, is the use of all those answers, when the reason i am finding them out for has already left?
for now, you have stayed. but that is only in the meantime. i amuse you, don't i?
that's probably the reason i have kept you from leaving until now. and then, the question i have kept from asking you for the longest time now: how long can i amuse you, fry?
it scares me when you start talking about forever. the last time i was promised forever only lasted around 3 months. i have not been a big fan of forever since then.
i need a keeper, fry. and it hurts how you slowly become just that everytime we count up to all the days that we have been like this.
and so, while the questions are unanswered, we stay this way. me, with a bottle of beer, sitting across you, staying sober and humming with whatever song the bar decides to play.
what if i fall for you, fry? what are you going to do?
MONDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2009
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