scribbles

it's just one of those days when i feel very, very small in such a big, big world. not literally, of course, that's beside speaking the obvious. i feel small, like a grain in the sand-- unimportant, non-existent, invisible.

whenever i get this kind of feeling, i can't think of anywhere else to go but here. it's like talking to a wall, and it never talks back. it never tells me i'm over-emotional, i'm oversensitive, i'm immature, or anything that equates to nonsensical.

this is being redundant already. for some reason, i have managed to brush this feeling away over and over again. it has always been like that. then, as always, you would tell me i'm wrong, and all my defenses would just violently fall down like water bags falling down from the sky at maximum speeds. then i'm okey.

or so i think. then i begin wandering idly at the mall after work, just so i get home very very tired and go straight to sleep to save myself from all those thoughts in bed while trying to sleep.

maybe, i will get used to all these soon. there is always no getting away from the pain. it's just either pain or more pain. and always, i tell myself that it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. i should have been smarter at the start. freefalls are good, and it's always way too late before you realize you have nothing else to fall on but your shattered self.

someday, i will soon stop writing anything like this. but of course, someday seems very far away.