"it's time for me to tuck you in."

via evrythingmustgo

I don't know where I end and you begin, but I like the way it feels.

- evrythingmustgo by Larry Carlat tweet

scribbles

it's just one of those days when i feel very, very small in such a big, big world. not literally, of course, that's beside speaking the obvious. i feel small, like a grain in the sand-- unimportant, non-existent, invisible.

whenever i get this kind of feeling, i can't think of anywhere else to go but here. it's like talking to a wall, and it never talks back. it never tells me i'm over-emotional, i'm oversensitive, i'm immature, or anything that equates to nonsensical.

this is being redundant already. for some reason, i have managed to brush this feeling away over and over again. it has always been like that. then, as always, you would tell me i'm wrong, and all my defenses would just violently fall down like water bags falling down from the sky at maximum speeds. then i'm okey.

or so i think. then i begin wandering idly at the mall after work, just so i get home very very tired and go straight to sleep to save myself from all those thoughts in bed while trying to sleep.

maybe, i will get used to all these soon. there is always no getting away from the pain. it's just either pain or more pain. and always, i tell myself that it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. i should have been smarter at the start. freefalls are good, and it's always way too late before you realize you have nothing else to fall on but your shattered self.

someday, i will soon stop writing anything like this. but of course, someday seems very far away.

another year

i don't like celebrating birthdays even as a child. just like for any kid, my mother would prepare food and invite all other kids in the neighborhood with cakes and ice cream and what have you. as i grew older though, the parties stopped coming. honestly, i hated the attention. i don't like everyone kissing me in the cheek and smiling and getting pictures with them. i hate that.

later on, birthdays became all about who stands last on an alcohol spree with close friends. just recently, however, i started going away from people and just spending it with my mother. last year, we went to bantayan island in cebu. a year before that, we went to guimaras. then a year before that year, we went to baguio.

today, on my birthday, i was alone eating french fries.

earlier last night, we were asked what our greatest fear is in a leadership session held at work. i have always thought it's heights. so i said i am acrophobic. just today, i realized, my greater fear is being alone.

i guess it's hard because i have always been surrounded by friends, and by people who love me. halfway through eating the french fries, i felt like running home just to make sure they're all still there.

but of course, i can't spend the rest of my day just being melodramatic about the whole thing. this is just an ordinary day. just like any other days in the year. i just happen to be older today. just like most years, alone. just more alone this year. yawn. just another ordinary year.

so for now, the facebook greetings on my wall and the happy birthday text messages would suffice. i know i am loved, maybe not by the same people i love, but i could survive with what little love i get for giving out too much.

this is it. happy birthday to me.

sentimental heart by she and him

Cried all night 'til there was nothin' more
What use am I as a heap on the floor?
Heaving devotion but it's just no good
taking it hard just like you knew I would

people are disposable. the weak ones come in vendo machines for the convenience of the stronger ones.

the weather. it speaks for me

someone used to ask me if i am sad everytime it rains. heaven is crying, so i am probably sad, he said.

i started thinking that maybe, for some insane and wild reason, the weather does know me. it's not always sunny and bright when i am happy, but yes, it does rain when i am not happy. coincidence, you may think.

every time i take a cab going to work, i tend to reflect on things. i don't do this during bedtime, i do this when i see different faces passing before me through the glass windows, and how the sights change from huge buildings to slums to busy streets to whatever this city decides to show me.

it is during this time that i take realizations to heart:

1. people lie all the time. the sweetest words, are often the sweetest lies.
2. i love way more than i am supposed to.
3. i could cry to sleep all i want and people that have hurt me wouldn't care.
4. my coffee intake is 4 cups.
5. distance matters.

the list goes on. i could have 5 different lists that i take note of mentally each day, but one lesson is obvious- i still have a lot of growing up to do.

so with this, i concluded:

1. doubt everyone and everything until you are absolutely and definitely proven wrong.
2. do not let go of people who truly and sincerely love you, no matter what the consequences are. sometimes, a true and sincere love is the only thing that matters. everything else is temporary.
3. make sure the people who walk into your life are worth crying for. the people you choose will eventually hurt you. those who value your tears are the ones worth crying for.
4. my coffee intake is 4 cups. i will keep it at that.
5. you don't have to cross oceans to fulfill a promise. sometimes, fulfilling a promise involves somewhere nearer. most of the time, you have to stay home.

i own every heartache i have. i realized, i have let go and held on to the wrong people. i should have been wiser, but scars are beautiful.

so, with the last taxi ride, it was raining hard. having this mental list is easy, but how do you make a heart follow a list that the mind made?

maybe, the weather does know me.

the nice, real feelings could be nice, real lies, too.

or they could all just be lies.

maybe
if we learn to love a little less
care a little less
think a little less

maybe
we would all save ourselves from heartaches

but
why would we?

i bruise easily by natasha beddingfield

My skin is like a map, of where my heart has been
And I can't hide the marks, but it's not a negative thing
So I let down my guard, drop my defenses, down by my clothes
I'm learning to fall, with no safety net, to cushion the blow