Don't threaten me with love, baby. Let's just go walking in the rain.

- Billie Holiday

kiss the rain by billie myers

Do you miss me?
I hear you say you do
But not the way I'm missing you
What's new?
How's the weather?
Is it stormy where you are?
You sound so close but it feels
like you're so far

late lunch

yesterday, i met with a friend for a late lunch. remembering that i did not have a decent breakfast earlier, i went.

then i had, a lemonade.

no, i am not on a diet. i have not been skipping meals intentionally either. i just don't feel like eating. most of the time, i have missed meals, simply because i forget.

a friend of mine suggested that i should take marijuana so i could keep up with my eating. being a nurse, he also said that this also causes my insomnia. in order to sleep better, i should eat better.

i remembered how you would always remind me to eat, like every 4 hours. and i did eat, without further complaints.

funny i guess, but yeah. i was healthier when you were still here.

just today, i was told i am smart.
so he asked, "when can i see you again?"
i said, "i don't know. see? i am not as smart as you think i am. there are a lot of things i don't know about." i said this laughing.
then he asked what i know about love.
i said i know none.
suddenly, we were both serious.
and i went on explaining. "everything you know about love, you unlearn when you start falling. you unlearn everything until you are left with absolutely nothing."
then silently, he added, "yes. so why don't we reeducate ourselves together?"


MONDAY, JANUARY 4, 2010

nothing much said

when i don't ask, it's not always because i don't care
most of the time,
i don't ask because it's better to leave things as confusing as they are.
i have learned,
that the answers that you get from confusing situations often hurt,
so it's better pretending as long as we can.

so, go on
let us go deceive each other while we can.
we lie our way to the truth because it's the only way we know how.

until then, we are okey.
we will be fine.
in the meantime.

swing life away by rise against

We live on front porches and swing life away,
We get by just fine here on minimum wage
If love is a labor I'll slave till the end,
I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand

at the hospital

three days ago i was visiting a friend in the hospital. i saw an old man, around 70, attending to an equally old woman. he was gently feeding her, talking to the nurses, and he slept on a chair beside the old woman's bed.

the woman has a heart disease. the man took him there.

they're not married or related. when asked, he just said, 'we were lovers in high school. i don't know why she left me.'

and the old woman innocently slept, with him occasionally feeling her forehead to make sure her fever has subsided.

contact lenses

i wish i could write all my heartaches down and sit with you at the end of the day with this list.

when i first mentioned i was going to get myself contact lenses, you told me to never get anything that looks artificial. of course i said no, i was going to get the black ones. like my eyes. by default, i feel more comfortable wearing glasses, but you know how clumsy i am. i misplace them. i had bought me 2 sets of eyeglasses in 3 months. so, when i was finally about to get those lenses, you sent me a text message that simply said, "are you sure your eyes are black?"

now, as i put those contacts everyday and look at my eyes closely in the mirror, i realized you're right. my eyes aren't black.

but that isn't the only thing i have come to realize lately. everything sinks in slowly. slowly and painfully, that i wish everything will just come all at once and hurt me in one blow so i could move the hell on. but life is not that fair. the rest have to come piece by piece, and drag you hurting as you move along. ah, life.

but the things that hurt the most are not always said. it's those little things. how you would suddenly withdraw your gaze when i catch you staring at me longer than usual. or how you send me those nonsensical text messages at 3 in the morning.

these are the little heartaches i wish i could tell you. the silence over coffee has become longer. and i have been wishing harder you would stay every time you decide to leave.

i pray i'll stop wishing i could say these things to you. hopefully, you'll finally find the words to fill in those silent spaces. then, just maybe, i would find myself saying yes, i feel exactly the same way, and what took you so long to say that, silly.

one time, you asked me if i have a problem you know nothing about. as always, i say no. no, doesn't mean i don't have a problem. it is no, because i don't have a problem you know nothing about. how long can we possibly pretend it's not there? if you can't see it, then i don't know how else i can make you. sooner or later you are going to leave me, that's why i am holding on to you as much as i can.

i guess what i am trying to say is, you are my own version of contact lens. i want you to stay within my sight.

i don't want to misplace you.

i speak the loudest when i am silent. i have stopped speaking for quite some time now. i just hope you hear me correctly. more closely than just my eyes, i wish you are noticing me more.

september 29, 2009