black forrest cake

lazily, i forked on my black forest cake, slicing and moving it around the plate but not eating it. it was too tempting when i first saw it, like a full-blown infatuation when i leaned towards the glass display to order my first cup of espresso. now, after my third cup, it just stayed there untouched, looking old and fake and shrivelled.

i stayed up late last night just deciding on what to tell you. i did not want to miss out on anything, i created a list just to make sure i get to mention everything in succession. you know me when i'm upset, i tend to speak faster than a train crash, but this time is very important. i need some sort of cohesion and planning to make sure i don't mess up on this this time.

then, at 2 past 4 in the afternoon, you cheerfully slid through that door, letting in a bit of late sunshine as it shone behind you like a halo. i just sat there still, confused, frowning, and undecided on how to feel. noticing my reaction, you immediately mirrored my frown, like a remote with fresh batteries. "what's wrong?" was all you managed to say.

everything, i wanted to say. you, me, these three cups of espresso and this heart that outweighs me. some questions just hurt more sometimes. people say answers do but they can't always be right.

"nothing," i lied. there goes all the things that i wanted to say. always, those things just get snatched off my mind before i even have a chance to protest.

"that's good to hear," you lied back. how can there be nothing wrong when you had to go out of your way after my phone call to meet up in that lame coffee shop?

but then again, we have been in this scene before; a dozen hundred times i almost have a queue at the back of my mind on what is going to happen next.

you held my hand, like you always do when you run out of things to say. as my tears start to flow, i wonder if i would ever get the chance to tell you what i really want to say. i want to explode just to relieve me out of this heaviness, but crying will do in the meantime.

then my phone rang. it was a familiar name, and after the conversation ended with me saying okey, you gave me a meek smile and silently you said, "you're going."

"yes."

i finished my cup, taking my time while taking deep breaths. why can't you just steal me away? why can't you just take me away, somewhere far and behind all these?

wiping my tears has always been a chore. it washes away my make up, so at 4 in the afternoon i have to wear shades to hide the clues. why can't people just be with the ones they want and let everything else figure out its own place under the sun?

sighing, i went out of the coffee shop, thinking, that things would have been less complicated had you not told me you are going to wait for me.

it all starts with betrayal. everything seems to start with that subtle feeling of betrayal; how you run out of coffee for your coffeemaker, how the weather becomes sunny all day when you decided to wear a coat on a gloomy morning, or how you notice that glaring, self-disrespecting grammar crime right after hitting the send button on a text message to your boss.

i thought for a while my greatest fear was to be left alone. there's me waiting for a cab under an unglamorous rain, and you slowly drive by with some cappuccino-colored-hair girl on the passenger seat. but the more i realize how i couldn't be that girl, the more thankful i am why it didn't work for the two of us, that in the long run, i'd rather be out in the rain than be comfortable beside you.

years go by and my fears have matured. from running out of coins for the vendo machine, to the fear of deciding on a wrong hairstyle after my hair had been cut and sticking with it for x number of months until my hair grows back. but thank goodness fears should change constantly. we grow out of our current fears and move on to better ones as we grow older.

last night, you begged for me to stay. that's one fear i never anticipated. fears are planned and foreseen, but never, never catches you off guard.

i decided this was my biggest fear. it was never entertained, always shrugged back at the back of my mind. it's that big of a fear that i feared to confront it. i know i would never bring myself to saying yes for staying, because i might actually do that, and bring a convenient end to this drama that's just building up.

as i press the button for the  elevator doors to my office to close, these little stories of betrayal come back. the coffeemaker, the weather, my basic grammatical instinct. and yes, of fate too for making me move on and bringing me up close to this fear.

the world, in fact, isn't flat. we move inside this circular bubble; the faster we run, the faster the things we try to get away from come back to us. everything just sort of ironically comes back.

but betrayal leads to happy endings. it's that thing that keeps us hoping, that while we are out there waiting for a cab under the rain, someone could actually walk by and give us company.

out of my head by theory of a deadman

maybe it was the way you talked
maybe it was the way you laughed
i don't know just what it is

but i know i want you back

random ramblings

i pass judgment on people based on their fingernails. i think people should walk more and littering should be considered a heinous crime. i listen to the beatles, read the news, and yes, i have opinions on almost anything. i decide on my own faith and no one has the right to tell me what to believe and what not to. i read the bible and search for my own truth. i love soya and i don't eat pork, and while i don't argue on other people's gods, i believe mine loves me to the point of death. people should read more and spend lesser time online, maybe plant more trees but definitely stop so much hate by starting to talk more and stop parading on the streets with placards that bear caps lock statements and exclamation marks. we are much more educated and civilized than that. i love to laugh, but on everything, i decide with my heart. i believe hitler didn't get enough playtime when he was a kid, and when the wind blows against my face and hair with a cup of hot tea on my lap, i know, somehow eveything will be right again no matter how wrong.

mixtape by butch walker

cause you gave me the best mixtape that i have

and even all the sad songs ain't so sad

i just wish there was more than that

about me and you

i guess the most painful thing that could happen

is to be asked by a stranger

why you're crying

almost 5 am and i am still awake,
humming to a song of the corrs.

i still don't get it.

the spaces in between by ria osorio

while heading out today
i paused to feel the morning sunshine
on our busy street
and then I realized
that’s what you are you are
the reason that I’ve made it this far


 

probably something amazing.

today, i revisited a heartache. it's one of those you thought has gone very far away already but still surprisingly hurts.

dear God by avenged sevenfold

dear God, the only thing I ask of you
is to hold her when I'm not around, when I'm much too far away
we all need that person who can be true to you
but I left her when I found her and now I wish I'd stayed
cause I'm lonely and I'm tired, I'm missing you again oh no
once again

hellraiser by motorhead

words become too lame when it falls this late
all that's left are just hiccups,
because tears are ugly
they drip to the keyboard of the laptop
it makes you drink a lot of water
and you get puffy eyes the next day.

so at 2 in the morning, i listen to hellraiser by motorhead
haven't heard of this band before
but who cares?
maybe the rock music would make a difference
maybe not.

second to peace of mind
i wish i would run out of hurt
because it's tiring,
it just consumes all energy
ruins your sleeping pattern
and eventually, you die for bit.

in the meantime, steve vai is playing bad horsie
and i need another glass of water
and a tissue to wipe this keyboard with.

again, coffee

i stir my coffee
by the porch
and close my eyes for the wind on my face;
it's comforting,
like my daily dose of half-truths from you.

as always
i settle on the overrated,
on the things that hurt the most
on the things that make me feel alive.

then at night,
i fight these monsters.
i never win
but it goes on and on
and i end up sleeping with them.

it's a cycle that keeps going around
like coffee
being stirred.

everyone has a kryptonite. you are mine.