I don't know where I end and you begin, but I like the way it feels.

- evrythingmustgo by Larry Carlat tweet

scribbles

it's just one of those days when i feel very, very small in such a big, big world. not literally, of course, that's beside speaking the obvious. i feel small, like a grain in the sand-- unimportant, non-existent, invisible.

whenever i get this kind of feeling, i can't think of anywhere else to go but here. it's like talking to a wall, and it never talks back. it never tells me i'm over-emotional, i'm oversensitive, i'm immature, or anything that equates to nonsensical.

this is being redundant already. for some reason, i have managed to brush this feeling away over and over again. it has always been like that. then, as always, you would tell me i'm wrong, and all my defenses would just violently fall down like water bags falling down from the sky at maximum speeds. then i'm okey.

or so i think. then i begin wandering idly at the mall after work, just so i get home very very tired and go straight to sleep to save myself from all those thoughts in bed while trying to sleep.

maybe, i will get used to all these soon. there is always no getting away from the pain. it's just either pain or more pain. and always, i tell myself that it's my fault, it's my fault, it's my fault. i should have been smarter at the start. freefalls are good, and it's always way too late before you realize you have nothing else to fall on but your shattered self.

someday, i will soon stop writing anything like this. but of course, someday seems very far away.

another year

i don't like celebrating birthdays even as a child. just like for any kid, my mother would prepare food and invite all other kids in the neighborhood with cakes and ice cream and what have you. as i grew older though, the parties stopped coming. honestly, i hated the attention. i don't like everyone kissing me in the cheek and smiling and getting pictures with them. i hate that.

later on, birthdays became all about who stands last on an alcohol spree with close friends. just recently, however, i started going away from people and just spending it with my mother. last year, we went to bantayan island in cebu. a year before that, we went to guimaras. then a year before that year, we went to baguio.

today, on my birthday, i was alone eating french fries.

earlier last night, we were asked what our greatest fear is in a leadership session held at work. i have always thought it's heights. so i said i am acrophobic. just today, i realized, my greater fear is being alone.

i guess it's hard because i have always been surrounded by friends, and by people who love me. halfway through eating the french fries, i felt like running home just to make sure they're all still there.

but of course, i can't spend the rest of my day just being melodramatic about the whole thing. this is just an ordinary day. just like any other days in the year. i just happen to be older today. just like most years, alone. just more alone this year. yawn. just another ordinary year.

so for now, the facebook greetings on my wall and the happy birthday text messages would suffice. i know i am loved, maybe not by the same people i love, but i could survive with what little love i get for giving out too much.

this is it. happy birthday to me.